Walking Around the Mess

Our lives are inextricably entwined with so many other lives. From those who live in our homes with us to the stranger we pass on the street, the choices we make affect many others – and their choices affect us.

So how can I choose my own life if the decisions of so many others affect me? Good question. The answer lies in how you see things.

You can look around and react to all of the things happening around you and to you. You can go with a knee jerk reaction, you can try to “fix” everything and you can be constantly running in circles counteracting the fallout from decisions other people have made.

OR you can look around, take stock of the situation, evaluate your choices and choose the path that is right for you. In doing this you can keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to make everyone happy, nor is it your responsibility to mop up everyone’s messes. You do have responsibilities, and there are times when you are the best person to mop up a mess, but not always - even when it’s uncomfortable to keep walking around the mess and looking at the mess.

I was talking to a friend the other day. She has an elderly mother who lives alone and who doesn’t like to make decisions. She waits for her children to make a decision or take action then complains about the results if she doesn’t like it.

In looking at the situation my friend realized that while she does have a responsibility to her mother, she is not responsible for her mother’s happiness. So if she offers to drive her mother to the doctor and her mother won’t make an appointment it is not her job to find a doctor, make the appointment and take her mother there. If asked can she help find a doctor? Sure. Can she make the phone call to make an appointment if her mother wants her to? Yes. The key is to offer then do what you are asked to do.

The other key to peace in this situation is to allow her mother to live with the consequences of her choices. Again, you can help her. Just don’t go charging in on your white horse, ordering people around and saving everyone from themselves. Go ahead and be there, sympathize, even plan and assist with action – just don’t take it all upon your shoulders.

It’s a fine line and I’ll admit I had some trouble finding this line in a few of my close relationships. It took a few years, but now I have mutually supportive relationships instead of carrying the burden of taking care of everyone else.